Motherhood – things I didn’t expect

For the last post in of our Mother’s Day series, we wanted to share what we learned from becoming moms.  What I learned I did not learn from those “what to expect when you’re expecting” books.  What I learned can be taken from an episode of reality TV.  Plan all you want, but as Julie Chen would say, “expect the unexpected”.  The control freak in me had planned to have my baby delivered at the hospital by an ob.  What ended up happening was a home birth with a midwife.  Go figure.

On a deeper level, I did not expect to be so in awe and enamoured with my daughter each and every day since she was born.  I did not expect the all consuming love I feel for her and the bond we share which began before we even met.  I did not expect to put the needs of this tiny human above and beyond those of my own.  Some may call this sacrifice.  I don’t think that is the right word for it.  It’s just what you do when you become a parent.  You make sure baby is fed, clean, safe and happy before you take care of yourself.  If that means you have to wait a couple of hours before you can grab a bite to eat or go to the washroom to do your business, so be it.  If making baby happy involves holding her and pacing back and forth until she fell asleep, that’s what I did.  Things you have to do as a parent… Growing up, when I was at odds with my mom, she would always say to me, “wait until you have kids, then you will understand…”.  Although I’ve only gotten a small glimpse of what it means to be a mother, I understand now.  Mom, you were right.

Lastly,  I did not expect that the birth of my daughter would change the way I view myself and my life.  Let me explain.  My grandmother once told me a long time ago, when I was young that I would have to work really hard, but I would do great things.  Kinda vague, I know,  but I believed her.   I don’t remember how she came to this conclusion, whether it was through reading the lines on my palm or how the stars were aligned when I was born, but this prediction of hers has stuck with me all these years.  If only I was able to fulfill her prediction.  I have always struggled with knowing who I am and what I’m meant to do in life.  I’ve never felt like I’ve lived up to my potential.  Or maybe I’ve never felt like I’ve lived up to others’ expectations of me.  I didn’t become a doctor.  Not sure I really wanted to be one, but I fell pretty short of that.  I’ve done career assessments and counselling and gone on a “soul searching” trip to try to figure out what I wanted to do.   Career counselling told me I was already doing what I should be doing or otherwise go into accounting.  My little trip to “find myself” only resulted in me getting a tan and feeling even more lost.  I am starting to think that maybe my greatest achievement ever is becoming a mom.  And if that is the case, maybe I am okay with that.  Maybe I could be happy with just being the best mom I can be for her…

knots_of_glee-1462556842233

My gift.